Be Self -Confident: It's Time to Leave Inferiority Complex Behind!

Oh wow! she looks great, look at the way she walks,  I like the way she talks but...........................

Is this any familiar to you? I bet some of you know what I am driving at, yes that issue where you have to make a decision of whether or not to approach "her". Mmhmm that "her" that you meet everyday and you chat but can not tell her the truth about how you feel about "her", that "her" that you have conversations with in the confinement of your bathroom and the mirror but that conversation never comes to be when she is around, should I continue....

The fact of the matter is why can't you tell her the truth? Why ?

Some of the reasons my male friends have pointed out include:

1. She is more educated than me
2. She is more well to do than me
3. She is too beautiful for me

OK, these could be true about "her", but if you really like her will these three reasons above stop you from approaching her and tell "her" your feelings?

In as much as these three arguments may be true but the underlying factor, the root of the matter is RESPECT! Men talk to me here is this true?

"If she is more educated, she will not respect me enough" they say. But what really happens when "she" is more educated than you?

• She will have a good job hence financially secure
• Financial security in turn means she can provide for herself and her household

But is this all there is to a relationship? Does love have to be associated with what we have, or does it have to be about acceptance between the two involved parties? If "she" is more educated and is financially secure, there is that delicate element within "her", the one that is hidden behind all that education and financial security, "her" heart. 

So what makes "her" not respect "him" when she is more educated? I think every "her" should be able to answer this question. If not I will ask all the "him s" to start this conversation and find out from "her".

If "she" loves "him", she will not think of the education, or the financial security, or her beauty, "she" will just love "him".

So if you feel scared to approach "her", find out if he loves you, because if she does, all these other "accessories", beauty, education and money will not matter. 

On the other hand, it is also the action of "him" that will put off "her" and as a defensive mechanisms "she" can also show you what "she" is made of.

So if "him" respect "her", "she" will respect "him" in return, but if there is no respect, it will not work!

Just as much as "him" wants to be respected, so does "she" need love and respect as well.

Its a circle, "him" love and respect "her" and "her" love and respect "him".

"him" and "her" are all caught up in between "love and respect"

Best wishes as you ponder on this!

Things we go through!

Have you ever taken time to observe what happens in the morning when commuting to work? For those of you driving I guess you have your own drama with other motorists but for those of us who use public transport, we have both the drama from other motorists and that of other passengers in the bus or train.

Some of my best experiences include when people get on the minibus and everyone gives a K500 note to the conductor, the look on his face explains it all. So when he notices the notes in peoples hands he just screams; "ma K50 basi, ndilibe change cha ma K500".  The commuters are always furious at this but you know most of the time the conductor gets his way.

Another one is when a conductor tells you this bus will go up to this stop, so you get on the bus, but by the time you reach that particular stop, there is a traffic policeman standing, and then the minibus just cruises past the stop. Passengers start yelling and the driver and the conductor say "you can get off here if you want we dont care" (this is after you have paid them, so they have nothing to lose).

The funny one was when we reached a popular stop, where there is always a number of  "call boys" (oyitanira), inviting you to get into whichever bus you want. And on approach something was strange, the stop was silent, everything well organised and no call boy was in sight. Looking closely there were Police men in uniform who were standing by the stop running other duties. Just the presence of the police officers alone managed to get order on the stop. It was so funny that I could not stop laughing. It was the toughest punishment to the minibus industry. It was like "silent torture" hahahahahaah! Anyway the conductor looked at me and smiled. Well one thing you must understand is that call boys are not allowed in town, anyway, it was an interesting experience.

One time I was in a bus heading towards Blantyre so another bus drives past and tell our minibus driver that there are more passengers on the stop in the opposite direction. Our driver makes a U-turn without telling the passengers (typical), then heads off full speed to where his coleague told him to go. The bus keeps going on and on and there are no passengers in sight, after 2km we spot two passengers and we pick them up and turn around heading back to Blantyre. Furious at this we (the passengers who were already on the bus) yell at the conductor and driver who at this time are apologetic. A few minutes later the bus comes to a stop "yatha mafuta"(t the bus has run out of fuel) says the driver... you should have seen the anger on our faces. We then had to get off and catch another bus. But hey that's part of the deal when using public transport.

On the other side of the world, people always look angry in the morning.. everybody rushing to work trying to be there on time. They stop to buy coffee on their way and they walk so fast reading all the information on their connections at the same time concentrating on their coffee in the hand as well as avoiding a head on collision with other on going commuters. Its such a hustle that by the time you get to work its like whew! I made it. When it's time to get back home its just the same thing. Do this everyday you reach a point of just being angry just by the thought of going to work and coming back, I guess that's why everyone seems to be so angry.

On the train people are not talking to each other, passengers either have their nose burried in their books or are listening to their music. The train could be fully packed but everyone is in their own bubble.

Comparing this with the "Warm Heart of Africa", going to work is always the time you gather stories to tell over lunch, about the driver who did this and the passenger who did that and all sorts of things that we see on the road.

When they say home is best I think these are the small little details that make home is best.  But trust me there are also reasons why people leave their homes and survive a new environment.

What a life!

 

WHEN EVERY PENNY COUNTS!

The month was drawing to an end, reality started to set in that no pay cheque was in sight. The clock was ticking, soon everything will be due, the water bills, the electricity bill, groceries all which needed money. The wallet was open, the contents scattered on the table, counting what was left in the pocket. The few notes that were in the wallet were counted so many times, as if the count was not tarrying with what the mind was looking for. The mind was full of numbers, numbers which represented the expenditures at hand. After a while he stared at the wall, not because there was anything fascinating on it but the reality just sunk in further.."this is the last I have in my pocket."

Chikhu, was a young man, he had a great career, swam in money and he could get whatever he wanted. It was until one day when he was suddenly told that the company is getting rid of his position because they had acquired new technology which was going to automate everything so there was no need for anyone to do the work manually. At first he was ok with it, he said I will find something else to do. The first month elapsed and he was still living comfortably. The second month came and he started noticing that his account was getting thinner. The third month he started counting and budgeting to make sure he could survive the few coming months. No job was in sight and Chikhu started getting worried.

The interesting thing was by the fourth month Chikhu was able to budget on the little he had to make ends meet. Had he done this earlier on he would have been able to save a bit more during his hay days. In the end Chikhu started thinking of doing something else that could generate income than waiting on a job. He finally managed to get a small business going that helped him carter for his needs.

There were some lessons that Chikhu learnt from this  experience

• Man can not survive by bread alone but by faith in God that only He could carry him through all his troubles
• That saving is an important aspect of life, as they say "make hay while the sun shines."
• There is always a chance to move on and still survive

To my fellow readers, reality is anyone of us could be like Chikhu... Lets make sure we make the right decisions. Having a proper saving plan for yourself and your loved ones can be the best gift you can give to yourself and your family for the future.
There are many institutions which offer insurance schemes. It does not harm to talk to them and find out what they do. You may just find the solution to your future plans.

Make hay while the sun shines, its time to act, like the saying goes, "tomorrow never comes", all you have is now and today because you never know what tomorrow brings.

Every penny counts, make sure you account for it!

PORTIONS OF A LIFETIME!

There comes a time in life when starting afresh really means starting all over again.

When I wrote the previous entry on starting afresh, I highlighted a few points but today I wanted to talk about starting afresh on our mindsets or simply resetting our minds.

When we move to a different time zone, we always have to reset our clocks to the actual time in the new zone otherwise we will lose track of time and will not be in sync with everyone else. The same thing applies in life, our minds need resetting whenever we find ourselves in a different environment or situation.

It is a bit weird when you think of it but actually its very true that the human mind has the capacity to adjust itself to the environment it has been or is being exposed to. For example if we take someone who has been imprisoned for a couple of years and then is released back to the outside world, they need to adjust from the life of being a prisoner to that of a free man. In prison , the person had to develop a different mindset to survive the environment, the same is needed for him/her to survive the outside world. Can you imagine what would happen to this freed prisoner if he/she does not adjust his/her mindset to that of a freed man? He will be a prisoner of himself, his mind will still keep him in prison even though physically he is no longer there.

Many are the times we find ourselves in a new environment, new situations, new positions, new relationships the list is endless and yet we still cling on to our old mind set. We find ourselves not adjusting to our new environment. I am not saying that you should change your principle but accepting your new situation, embracing it and accepting it. In this way we are able to learn more of our new environment. Many are the times we fail to adjust to situations because of denial hence we find ourselves clinging on to things that will not help us forge ahead in life. We keep on saying I was so and so, I used to do this and that, how about now, who are you, what are you doing with your life?

We have one lifetime split in so many different portions, let us make sure that we learn something and make use of each portion of our life so that when we add them up, we will look back and say "Thank You Lord for the Days of My life".

STARTING AFRESH

Hello again... I know  i have been silent for a while... but hey its a new year why not start afresh!

It is part of our human nature to have feelings. These could be feelings of joy, happiness, sadness, sorrow and so on. These feelings determine our moods and whether we like it or not sometimes feelings play a major role on our character. 

Feelings, when they are in the past they make up what we call memories. Memories can bring a smile on your face, a tear in the eye, a twitch on your face and most of all take you back the memory lane, where each street name reminds you of an encounter, an experience, a success or a failure.


As we have started the new decade no matter what our experiences have been in the past, it's never too late to start afresh.


I wish you all the best in this year 2011, and whatever it is that you have been through the past days, months , year or years, there is always a chance for a fresh start.


Best wishes and god Bless

Why Malawian Men/Women go for Younger partners

One thing about my home country is the diversity of peoples thoughts, beliefs and the ability of these same people to live together and make jokes about each other.

If you find yourself in a mini bus moving within the cities there is always something to laugh about either it will be a conversation with a passenger or a conversation between the driver and his conductor or just a random conversation where someone will disclose to you their whole life story within a distance of five minutes. This is what makes one miss home when abroad.

There is also a tendency of attributing any slight difference in opinion or a common behavior  to culture. Yesterday I was listening to one of my favorite programs on the radio and the topic of discussion was "why married men and women these days are cheating on their spouses with some young girl/boy". In the panel were two men one in his 30's and the other in his late 50's or early 60's and two women both seem to be in their early 40's.  

As these people were trying to put out reasons why this behavior is becoming common, one of the ladies pointed out an interesting point which caught my attention. She said that women cheat with younger men because their spouses do not satisfy their desires at home. She continued to say that culture has made it that men have the last say in the home as such women are not able to voice out their dissatisfaction in the home because they don't have a say. So the best solution is for the woman to get a young man who will satisfy them in return for cash.

Another point that caught my attention was from one of the men who said that after getting married to the same woman for 25 years, the woman is closer to you more than a sister as such you ran out of conversation that the only thing that remains is to discuss development like building a house, starting a business and the like with her. So when a man is in this situation he will find satisfaction in a younger woman whom he does not need to discuss investments or developments such as building a house and the like.

Listening through the program I noticed that there is a huge communication gap within the families which has led to people running away from their spouses to find solace somewhere.

Where do you run to when you can not face your spouse? Do you hide behind the newspaper or the soccer game on TV? Do you go to as many bridal showers as you can just to avoid the communication problem? Or worse do you go and find a man or woman who can satisfy your needs as long as you don't stay in the same roof?

Its really sad when you think about it because the behavior of having multiple partners is even increasing the risk of spreading HIV to the innocent spouse in the home.

Many families have been wiped out both husband and wife dying almost at the same time because of this sort of behavior.

What can we do about it?

• By working on our communication with our partners we will be able to avoid the serious issues of cheating on our loved ones (IF THEY STILL ARE!).
• Spending romantic moments, easy moments with your spouses where you are not discussing bills, or starting a business or building a house on a regular basis helps build up the relationship and gets the two partners closer. 
• Small things like making a cup of tea for them even when you know they can do it themselves. 
• Taking your spouse out for a relaxed evening walk, or for a nice candle light dinner, surprise calls, SMS to check how they are doing all these do make a huge difference. 
• Observe your partners moods, do not make assumptions but sit down with them and find out what exactly is bothering them. 
• The list is endless, you know your spouses better (I hope) so you know how to make them happy.

This is food for thought.

Discovering the REAL YOU! Is it worth it??

As a woman I spend time to take care of my hair, my face, my body, or just to sum it all, taking care of myself.

The way you present yourself in public is most often a reflection of how you feel about yourself, how confident you are and so on. This is not only for women but also for men. You know girls can tell whether or not a man is confident, and the more confident a man is about himself, the more a girl would trust them with their life.

Depending of what one’s past experiences are, one’s self confidence may be boosted or can just be sucked out of them leaving them so unsure about everything.

In my experience lack of self confidence can be costly and sometimes really costly that you spend a whole life time regretting for that lost opportunity.

A friend of mine told me a story once, a true story, about two people who really liked each other. They spent a lot of time together and did so many things together. Everyone could have thought there was more than friendship between the two. They used to hang out and do most of the fun things together but in their heart of hearts there was this big hole they just could not figure out where they stood. Sometimes they would think that its just friendship another day it would feel like a relationship was blossoming. This went on for years and the girl thought one day the guy would say something and the guy was hoping that one day the girl would say something. But as time went on the girl was not sure what was going and the worst thing she was falling in love, on the other hand the guy was still contemplating on what to do. And one day the guy came and told the girl, “you are far more educated than I am” and this sealed it, the girl knew that the future she thought was there for a relationship with this guy was bleak.

The girl thought to herself, “ what went wrong? Does this mean what that educational status surpasses love between to people? ” She just could not understand.

My friend struggled to keep a smile on her face as she knew this guy was dating someone else even though he never told her. Many were the occasions where the two girls met, and my friend was just dying from inside and she respected the guys decision to date someone else, but she just could not understand why the guy left her.

It was the man’s choice to leave my friend and go for another girl but can you imagine how much my friend’s self-confidence was shattered? Her confidence was shaken especially that this was not the first time it happened to her that someone left her due to her educational status. The one thing that encouraged my friend was her faith in God; she believed that whatever was meant to be hers will come to be. She pulled through this situation and now she looks back and just smiles at the great moments that they spent together and of course sometimes thinks of what it would have been like if things had turned differently.

The moral of this story is that my friend’s self confidence was shattered due to her experiences, and I know most of you relate to this story, your story may not be the same as the one above but you may have gone through similar if not other experiences that have challenged your self-confidence.

The truth is that each one of us has a part within that can never be changed, which is so special that even if people could try and destroy you in one way or the other, “the real you” will still stand.

God made us in a way that we can withstand so many things, that we can go through the toughest experiences in life, be beaten and destroyed but by and by we can get back on our feet. It may take days, months even many years but at the end of it all we can still stand and encourage someone with our experiences.

That part of us, the one I call “the real you” even though it has been trampled upon and its beauty marred, with time it recovers and its beauty blossoms again bringing out the REAL YOU.

No matter what the experience may be you can still get your self-confidence back. It’s a choice you have to make, believe in yourself and pull yourself back and trust that you can be the best you can be no matter what people say or think about you.

Remember champions are those who have endured and never gave up. No matter how many times they failed they tried again and again each time believing that one day they will win.

So I stand here to tell you that no-one should play around with your life, if it means you have to walk away to gain your self confidence, WALK; if it means giving up what you cherished to gain back your self-confidence, GIVE IT UP; if it means to start all over again to gain your self-confidence, START OVER.

Discover the real you and stand for it.